It is not difficult to become discouraged in the process of venturing into new waters after being healed form the past. The disheartening inundations of horrible second chances constantly found in the media: “Boyfriend of 23-year old mother beats her 3-year old child with an extension cord because she would not stop crying”, “Girlfriend of Darwin X throws his two children, ages 1 and 3, off a bridge to spite the biological mother, “Man breaks into ex-wife’s home, shoots and kills his former step-children, ages 17 and 13 as they slept, then shoots and injures himself”… It is happening in every nation, in every culture. Many people have learned, through tragic and irreparable experiences, that the men/women they entered into a relationship with, and subjected their children to, were not the people they presumed them to be.
Being a parent with a single relationship status can be very complicated when you desire to enter the dating scene again. Not only are you responsible for your children, but you also have needs and desires, though on the back=burner, whose existence cannot be denied. It is human nature to crave adult connections, seek stimulating companionship, and to be appreciated. Those expectations may be suppressed as you raise your children, and you may learn to function in that new ‘normal’, but they hardly ever completely diminish. There will be something on the inside of you – or even an outside factor – that can trigger the thoughts, dreams, and “what-ifs” of companionship, and BOOM! You make the decision to step out again, and explore your options. Nothing is wrong with that AT ALL!
Sometimes, on our dating quests, as we make ourselves available, we unknowingly or mistakenly attract someone that is not quite relationship-ready – or we send signals that are interpreted as desperation and haste, attracting parasites and leeches rather than substance and compatibility. It is in these instances that we find ourselves connecting to people who feed on and take advantage of our desire for companionship (or the fragments from the previous relationship), rather than contributing to the things that will bring out the best in us. It is indeed healthy to recognize and accept the realities of our need and desire for relationship, but it is crucial to understand the purpose and expectation being sought from that relationship, as you are also bringing your children into the equation.
There are men and women in this world who will intentionally manipulate you, leaving you “high and dry” when they are finished with you. There are people in this world that will pretend to embrace your children, in order to be a part of your life, yet shun and reject them once they are in good standing with you. There are folks out there who are experts at deception – turning you against your children (or them against you), and emerging as the mediator, the savior, the knight in shining armor, then eventually revealing the wolf that is hidden under that covering of wool. Yes, society contains individuals who deliberately seek to harm you and your children, and it is your job as a parent to take the time to discern and pay attention to not only who but what you are bringing into your life.
Interestingly enough, there is a flipside to this coin. Unfortunately there are parents in this world who do not care about those risks. Some are so selfish, so broken or so desperate for affection, attention, and affirmation that they are willing to subject themselves and their children to the first man/woman that shows their teeth, drives a nice car, compliments their looks, or flashes a few dollars. No in-depth conversation, no web search or background check, no prayer (well, no interest in waiting on the answer to the prayer), no observation of the person’s behavior with family, friends, or response to challenges and trials – simply a “Man, she is fine!”… “He is so cute! And, look at those big feet!” …, or “Look at that nice car… I can get anything I want!”… In comes the toothbrush, out goes the common sense, down go the guards – and the presence of an unknown and untested person in your life – and that of your children, is welcomed with open arms.
“Some people are excellent liars!” True. “Many criminals haven’t been caught by the police!” Indeed. “Folks can change on you!” Yes. Many of the guilty ones do slip through the cracks – but that doesn’t mean you should be the crack they land in! “It is hard being alone at times!” Don’t I know it!! “I have needs!” We all do. “I just wanted to feel like a man/woman again – it is frustrating just being mom/dad, and not being treated in that special way!” You think!? So, are the 5 minutes spent pleasuring and gratifying yourself with the wrong person worth the long-tern or even lifetime damage that can be done to you? To your children?!
Parents, you and your children are a PACKAGE. Anything that affects you affects them, and (should be) vice versa. Let no one negate, belittle, or discredit who they are in your life, especially when you are in a relationship or if you remarry. The person who marries you takes on a huge responsibility of being a parent to those kids, and YES, they are his/her children, too … So, know, learn, and discern whom you are bringing into the lives of your children.
Listen, society is full of devious, wicked, and idiotic individuals who’ve made careers out of taking advantage of vulnerable, unsuspecting, or well-meaning men and women that have recovered or are rebounding from a past relationship. However, it is difficult to believe that there was not some sign, warning, or indication of their motives before the drama came to fruition. Was it a statement that was unheeded, an ignored action, or an interaction with your child (or any child) that was downplayed or disregarded? The wise person who said “the dog always returns to its vomit” was telling the truth – a guilty person will ALWAYS reveal himself/herself at some point; we simply mitigate or misconstrue the clues or warnings at times.
With such advanced technology available to us, and the old-fashioned gift of intuition that is intertwined in our DNA, we can still “miss it”. However, there are things you can do for yourself – and your children – to avoid the grave consequences of that fall, if you find yourself in the dating game. You can also take certain precautions to ensure that your new relationship is balanced. I will list a few:
- Accept the truth that you are a parent FIRST. If you made a freewill, consenting choice to engage in the activity that led to the pregnancy and the birth of a child, you chose to become a parent. You are now obligated to the commitment of putting that child’s needs above your own. (NOTE: Even if the pregnancy and birth was not due to your freewill, the commitment to that child is not negated if you chose to keep it…)
- Be sure that you are indeed ready to make yourself available for or pursue a relationship with someone new. I am not referring to our ever-changing emotions – I am speaking of ORDER in your house and life. What is your motivation for seeking a relationship? Sex and loneliness are not good reasons… Are you healed and free from the previous relationship you were in – or are you on the rebound, with ‘desperation’ and ‘haste’ on your sleeve? … What does your ‘free time’ look like? … Are your expectations of a relationship real – or are you wishing to be rescued? … How do you allow your children to treat or act towards adults? Are they disrespectful or polite to others? How do you allow them to treat and talk to YOU? Do they constantly make adult business their own (with your silent consent, of course), or have you established boundaries?
- If you have met someone, do a little background check – through technology and old-fashioned observation. How does s/he act around children? What is his/her behavior around friends and relatives – what is their behavior around him/her? Throw a personal “bone” out there – how does s/he react to your bad news or tough situation? Is there finger pointing or mirror-checking? Does s/he offer support, or become standoffish?
- If you are a co-parent, ensure that your relationship with the biological mother/father of your children is in check, and that you have established and enforced clear boundaries of respect with him/her. We all know the stories – resentment in the heart because the one who broke up with you has moved on… envious of your relationship because s/he has yet to find another… a desire to see you miserable without them… determination to turn the children against your new companion because the children likes him/her… using the “needs” of the kids – or creating false situations – to keep you away from your new relationship… It is not fair to you or the new person to constantly be subjected to the foolish antics and ignorant vices of your child’s other parent, and there are not too many people who will stand by while you allow that chaos to continue! True, you cannot control the actions of the other parent, but you can definitely contribute to the extent that these actions affect your new relationship.
- Discern the timing in which you physically introduce your children to this new person. Of course you can talk about him/her to the child and vice versa, but spend some more time learning that new person, with natural AND spiritual resources, before you allow him/her in your children’s lives – and even your own.
As a parent, your priorities are different than a person who has no children, so you must make special adjustments in your life in order to accommodate and participate in the dating game. You are not able to be as carefree and spontaneous with your movements or decisions as an unattached person is, though it is very tempting at times. Remember you are the steward over those children, and no fling, rendezvous, thug or tramp is worth destroying the precious seed that is your first responsibility, along with yourself – your children. It is no longer about you – time for maturity to step in…
© 2017 InternationalKendra
International Kendra 